28 Years: My Unrealistic Pregnant Birthday Wishlist

Today I turn 28. Considering I thought I was already 28 for most of this year, it doesn't seem that new to me. All I can think about right now is how I'd really like to go get my free Starbucks drink but its a bitter 19 degrees outside.

{Photo via}
To be honest 2015 has been a bit of a blur so far. At 35 weeks, I'm lacking energy and whatever I do have I put towards crossing things off of the massive pre-baby to-do list. I had big plans for the blog this week but haven't been able to get to any of them, so today I give you a pregnant girl's birthday wish list.

1. Someone to make decisions for you

I'm terrible at making decisions. Not the big decisions, like who to marry... that one was easy. Even naming the baby... not that hard.

It's the little things, like what to put on the registry, colors for the nursery, etc. that I can't handle. Example: I am currently debating which swing to keep. 

We picked up the Mamaroo because the other swing was already making an obnoxious clicking sound, but really I think all swings make their own sounds. I'm leaning towards the Mamaroo though, just hoping the babe likes it! Any mamas have a preference?

2. Warning signs for when the hormone hurricane is about to come through

If you didn't experience the inconsistent waves of crazy-woman hormones during your pregnancy, then congratulations are in order. They come out of nowhere, usually provoked by something truly mundane like an eye roll from your husband or the fact that you ran out of toilet paper. There's no warning, you just erupt in a fit of anger and tears.

3. Unlimited pedicures and foot massages

I didn't truly understand this until I hit about 33 weeks and it started to feel like I had been walking around a theme park for days. Something about those 20+ pounds you pack on wreck havoc on your feet, so unlimited spa pedicures whenever you deem necessary would be ideal.

4. A free pass to slap a hoe for insulting prego comments 

Remember when I told y'all about the woman who asked if I was checked for twins? Yeah I would have slapped her if it were socially acceptable. She's just lucky the hormone hurricane wasn't rearing her ugly head at that very moment!

5. Slip on shoes and leggings all day, every day 

Who am I kidding, I already live by this rule.

6. A promise that your water won't break in public

I may or may not become a hermit in the last few weeks of this pregnancy. I know most women's water doesn't even break until you're at the hospital, but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified of having that gush of water while I'm drinking my Icee, shoving my face with popcorn, and buying diapers at Target.

7. Pain-free recovery

I secretly despise the women who tell me their recovery wasn't that bad. Either you're lying or you're one of the lucky few and are giving me false hope. I'll be the one preparing for carnage with my 5 jumbo packs of overnight super pads, Tucks, and granny panties.

8. Someone to pick up everything you drop

At some point you will get to the point where it is easier to leave things on the ground than bother picking them up. I've recruited my husband for pickup duties, he's doing great so far.

9. A stash of wine and Starbucks gift cards waiting for you after delivery

Because 9 months without caffeine and alcohol was torture.

And there you have it my friends, the unrealistic guide to birthday gifts for the knocked up ladies. Anyone have anything else to add?

Linking up with Natalie and Annie for Thoughts on Thursday! 

Thoughts for Thursday


  1. Happy happy birthday girl!! I hope you have a wonderful day and girl I always ask my husband how old i am because I forget lol! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

  2. Happy birthday! I love #9 on your list - hope someone is reading and paying attention :)

  3. This is hilarious!! Yes to all these things! I also hate women who say their recovery was a breeze. Well, I'm speaking from a c section perspective, but it's not fun! So, we have the graco swing and I'm going to recommend keeping the mamaroo. I like our swing ok, but I always feel like the swing is not upright enough for him. It kind of scruntches him up. Maybe it will fit him better when he's bigger, but I've heard great things about the mamaroo and wish I would have just spent the extra money on one now.

  4. Happy Birthday, pretty lady! I'm thinking unlimited foot massages sound pretty awesome! If it was socially acceptable to go out of the house in leggings and bedroom shoes, I don't think I'd ever taken them off! Lol! I hope you have an amazing day today! :)

  5. Happy Birthday!!! 28...oh wow.... How i wish i was 28 again! Im turning 36 this year! yikes! this time around, on babe #2, i'm going to 4moms route either with the mamaroo or the other one - vs the regular swing. We had a regular swing like you and it worked great!!! and the baby liked it.

    Have a blessed day~

  6. Happppppy Birthday!!!

  7. I found this to be an exceptional list!! xx Happy Birthday! We didn't have a mamaroo but SS was a HUGE fan of the swing.

  8. 4. A free pass to slap a hoe for insulting prego comments hahah YES.
    and i'd love a little warning before i get crazy emotional...oy! this is the best birthday wish list ever.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY lady!! :) xo jillian

  9. ps i vote keep the mamaroo since it looks smaller than the other swing!

  10. Happy birthday!!!! I hope at least some of your birthday wishes come true! :)

  11. Warning for the hormone hurricane would be great. It just hit me a couple weeks ago and I just start crying basically out of nowhere. I mean there's always a reason for it, but not a good enough reason to start crying and not be able to stop!

  12. Officially following now, YAY!! Love this post, what a great (& funny!) list, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I am also pregnant (with #2), we have both of the swings from our first daughter & loved the mamaroo. Decisions (& hormones!) are real deal!


  13. Today is my birthday too! Happy Birthday to you!!

  14. Ok first off, happy birthday sweets!! Second, being pregnant automatically gives you a pass to slap any moron, especially one that is insulting as well as stupid. And you need to tell the first person to visit you in the hospital after delivering that the entry fee to get in to meet your baby is either Starbucks or wine. If they don't come with either... bye Felicia. ;)

  15. Omg this is hilarious!! And too true. I died at your "preparing for carnage" comment. The pregnancy hormone hurricane has reared its head more than once this week. I hope it contains itself for you today. Happy Birthday lady!!

  16. Haha I love this! Happy happy Birthday!! Hope it warms up a bit so you can get that free Starbucks :) Have a great day!

  17. Happy belated birthday! It's so cool to see how parallel our lives have been, with only a few months of difference in between! Hang in there, you're so close! And dead on on all your blog post points. It's not easy, but that tiny little babe will make it all worth it, that (and only that) I absolutely guarantee. Ps. Wish we lived closer so we could be there to help and support each other more! ❤️❤️ Lo & Max

  18. Also, just realized today IS the 8tb, therefore, it's not a belated wish. Mom life, I no longer have any idea what day or time it is. 😛

  19. Hahah, I love this!!! Especially the slap a hoe part! (And I'm def on board with unlimited pedicures and foot massages!) happy birthday!!

  20. Happy birthday my sweet friend! I almost caught myself telling a coworker who's pregnant she looks so small to be due next week! Then I remembered I need to shut my mouth because I have no idea what I'm talking about! Tell Steve to get you some Starbucks! I'd get it for you if I wasn't working. Can't wait for Saturday!! Have a great day!! Xoxo
    Ally - Life as I know it

  21. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Totally treating you to a big old glass (or 4) of wine post-Rowan :) Enjoy today with those feet up. I hope you have smooth sailing and Target-free water breakage. Have a wonderful day, lady!

  22. Love these and enjoyed a good laugh with most of them. It's always fun to listen to a pregnant girls thoughts :) As for the swing dilemma, I will be completely honest with you and say that I wanted to LOVE the mamaroo so much because its small and sleek, but my baby sat in it for maybe the first 2 or 3 weeks and then pretty much hated it after that. Now the swing... oh the swing he LOVED. That swing got us through the first 6 months of his life for sure! With that being said, every baby is different.... :) You might just end up with one of each like me!!

  23. Happy birthday!!! Preg or not, unlimited foot massages and pedicures sound pretty ideal to me!

  24. Happy Birthday!! We have the Mamaroo (the one with five swing styles) and Presley loves it. My parents also have mini version of a regular swing and guess what...she loves that too. I choose the mamaroo because it plugged into the wall. For anyone who has a relatively pain free after birth - curses!! Curses to them and I wish you luck and to be one of those people I curse. I am here anytime if you want someone to be a sounding board for you! No pro by anymeans but I am usually available at 2am and 4am for texts :)

  25. Happy birthday! I loved thos whole list. I laughed out loud through the whole thing. And I definitely agree with the unlimited pedis! You are so close!

  26. OMG. Number 4. I'm dyyyyyyyyying.
    Happy birthday! I hope every single one of your wishes comes true!

  27. I am SO WITH YOU on this. This jerk at work asked me if I was sure I just had one baby in there. Jackhole. I'm 30 weeks pregnant. What is your excuse?!?

    We've also registered for that Mamaroo, and I'm wondering if that's the best / if our baby will like it. EEEEK Decisions!

    I'm having trouble deciding on a rug for the nursery. The crib and changing table / dresser wasn't a problem. The dang rug is. What the?!?

    If I drop something now, I just say f it and keep on moving. Not bending over for anything anymore.

    And I was that pregnant chick at Whole Foods during their 20% off case sale with a cart full of 12 bottles of wine for AD (after delivery). Don't even care. I want caffeine and wine and LOTS of it.


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